(From Someone Who Lives There)
I’ve lived in Vegas now for over 8 years and can say I’ve pretty much seen it all. When you have friends visiting town on an almost weekly basis, compiling a list of what not to do is pretty simple. Witnessing many bad decisions being made in this town, I’d like to pass the information along so you don’t find yourself continuing the trend.
If you want any chance of salvaging what’s left of your dignity at the end of this sh*t show you’re about to experience, I’d recommend you continue on through this stack of DON’TS I’ve laid out for you. I bid you good luck gentleman…
1. Don’t buy drugs on the strip. EVER.
It’s smart to play it safe these days with the crazy TSA jail-house-strip searches and what not, but that doesn’t mean you should go on the hunt for “goods” once you get to the strip.
That shady guy wandering the strip and asking if you want to have a good time… is exactly the dude you should be worried about on your trip to Vegas. The Hangover was very accurate with this. Every major city has them. Not only will this guy more than likely rip you off completely, but who knows what the hell he just gave you. You’ll either feel nothing at all, wake up in the hospital, or steal a tiger from Mike Tyson’s house while getting married to a stripper.
2. Don’t take a cab to a strip club. Limos are free.
Doused in the stench of bottle rats and the bass of Deadmou5, you and your buddies have just successfully shut down the club, wide-eyed and seeking the next fix for the night(morning?). Did someone say strip club?
If you’re coherent enough to make any decent decisions at all, don’t go flagging down the next cab you see. Instead, Google map the strip club of your choice and summons a limo. Or, just walk ten feet through valet and find one that’s willing to take you… for free.
The Reason: All strip clubs offer a limo service without charge. They know they’ll make far more money off you through drinks and lap dances. Same reason every major hotel here offers free parking. Once they get you in the door, that’s where they make their real money.
If a guy on the strip offers to take you to the strip club in his limo for $20 a head, this is bulls**t. Just say you’ll take the next limo, more often than not he’ll tell you to just hop in.
Why? Any transportation service, cabs included, that brings you and your drunk friends to the strip club is making money through kickbacks. The strip club will often pay cab/limo drivers $30-$70 per head that come through the door. So if the driver is charging you, he’s double dipping.
3. Don’t Get Hitched
There’s a very fine line in the amount of shots it takes to go from making a bad decision to making a very bad decision. If you find yourself seeing double in a bedroom sized wedding chapel at 4am, odds are you just stomped the sh*t out of that line.
Vegas seems to make it easier and faster to get a marriage license than it is to gain entry into a club. If you think getting married for the night will be fun, just think about the fact she’ll legally own half of you when you go to get divorced.
Fun Fact: It costs $50 to get married in this town, but at least $300 to file for divorce.
4. Don’t be cheap.
I used to think it went without saying in this town, but for some reason many people just don’t get it. This is a city that’s run on tips and you’ll be treated as such.
Always tip your valet, server, bellhop, doormen, and anyone else that works to serve you through your journey. If you don’t tip well, no one is going to help you with hookups or good service. You’d be surprised what a couple thank you’s and pleases will do for you as well.
5. Don’t dress douchey.
Rhinestones, Ed Hardy, Affliction, fedoras, chains, excessive jewelry… you get the point. Don’t where these, ever. Pick up a GQ Magazine and mimic one of their dressed up styles. This will get you a lot further when it comes to getting into a club or picking up girls.
While we’re on the topic, don’t think just because you’re in Vegas you can act like a douchebag too. Doorman discretion is real. They can and will not let you in if they don’t like you.
Think of them as a cop that just pulled you over while driving. If you’re a dick, they’ll come up with excuses not to let you in. Be polite and courteous and you’ll get a lot further. I’ve known guys to get turned down at the door because the bouncer saw them trying to chug down the last drops to a bottle of liquor while waiting in lines.
6. Don’t drop names unless you are closely related. (ie: brother, sister)
Even if you think you are somewhat famous because you’re on tv or in magazines, don’t ever ask the door guy if he knows who you are. If he hasn’t recognized you in the first few moments of talking with you, you’re probably not as famous as you think. Asking will only drop you on his scale of people he is about to let into the club.
Remember, these guys deal with high profile celebrities like Jay-Z and Mark Cuban on a daily basis. Instead, be nice and drop him $50 for every guy in your group and see what he can do for you. If it’s a really busy night, look to spend double. Too much? Vegas probably isn’t right for you.
7. Don’t think for one moment the cocktail waitress or stripper is actually in to you.
These girls will be the apple in your Garden of Eden. They flirt with you like no other and the more you drink, the more they know they can own you. If it’s a cocktail waitress at your table, she’ll flirtatiously talk you into taking shots, buying more bottles, and ultimately ring your bill up by the thousands without you even realizing. If it’s a stripper, well, we all know lap dances can add up real fast. Just remember, there’s no sex in the champagne room, ever.
Don’t forget, cocktail waitresses in this town are used to ringing up $100K-$500K tabs from the very wealthy. Do not ever get caught up in trying to impress people with your 5K-10k tab, especially if you can barely afford it. It may seem like baller status, it’s not.
8. Don’t call an escort from a “hooker card”.
If you believe that smoking hot Playboy Playmate on the card handed to you by some dude in a neon green shirt is really going to show up to your room for the low rate of $49, you also probably bought those drugs I told you not too.
These agencies have been sued many times over for copyright infringement as they’ll often steal these photos from magazines. Always live by the saying, “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.”
If you’re in the unfortunate groups of people that do call this number, be prepared for a horrific train wreck to show at your door. Not to mention you’re going to pay a lot more than $49.
There’s thousands of stories about these girls robbing dudes in the process. Grabbing watches, wallets, and even room key’s so they can come back later and rob everything you’ve got. Oh, and if the girl isn’t happy, I’m sure the pimp backing her will pay you a little visit as well.
Our best recommendation – grow a pair and just go talk to the girls already out at the clubs. There’s thousands of hot girls out and about. More often than not, a simple “hi” will get you surprisingly far.
Fun Fact: Prostitution is not legal in Vegas.
Thank you eyhandy.com